Living on the edge

Alter Ego: I'm soooo happy. I feel like I've died and gone to heaven
Ego: I had the exact same dream, only you went the other direction.

***

Pepatah ada menyebut, bulat air kerana pembentung, bulat manusia kerana muafakat, bulat Kimi sebab tak suka bersukan. Siapa kata aku tak suka bersukan? Cuba kau berdiri terpacak kat entrance Extreme Park Shah Alam tu. Seminggu berapa kali kau boleh nampak aku keluar masuk?

***

You know it's bad when you realise that you have lost a reason to smile.

And it seems to me, my list of reasons to smile, keeps getting shorter and shorter as I move forward in this sordid new world called work life. Make that Auditor's work life.

People always try to reason me out for me to stay doing what I am doing. 'It's OK if you don't smile, at least you earn tonnes'. Yeah, the problem is, I don't. If there were such thing as a minimum wage in this country, I wouldn't be that far from it. And I don't want to find myself saying 'Apart from having no life, I regret nothing', as I quote one of my superior when she was asked how did she find her 10 years of work so far.

If my life were an animated motion picture, right now, at this moment, my optimist side would break into a song, like "Go the distance" or "I have confidence" while the pessimistic me would sing "Reflection" or even "Trauma" (while the naughty me would probably sing "Kocok-kocok" haha).

But sadly, I'm in no such movie. There's no such thing as the predictable build up, the expected climax or the obvious happy ending. I'm in my own movie, improvising the script as I move along. Plus if I would break into songs in my life people would go 'Gila apa dia ni?' 'Naik syeikh la tu'.

I find myself on the edge right now. And I'm only a hair-width away from jumping off. I am currently, very seriously thinking of making other arrangements. But the humongous question that's cracking up my medula oblongata is: Do I really want to? I wouldn't want to be known as a quitter. I've 2 of my classmates from primary school working with me. I have a classmates from my secondary school working with me. I have a dozen of co-scholars working in the same firm. I wouldn't want to be the odd one out and quit.

It all comes to this: Heads, I'll lose mine, Tails, I'll lose my pride.